Hi friends! A few days ago I took myself on a “first date.” I set up my cozy knit blanket in the park, laid in the sun, journaled, and enjoyed a crisp Diet Coke. We often hear the word “date” in association to romance. Although, I’ve learned through working inwardly that dates are composed of time spent with kind, personable, and inviting individuals. I thought, “why can’t I be all of those qualities for myself?”

I’ve never dated before. I’ve actually never been on a grown-up date, romantically that is. Part of that decision is self-inflicted, as I’ve spent so many years absorbed by releasing generational trauma, finding my niche, and ultimately, building a life of my own that isn’t reliant on another.

I’ve been asked lately more than ever why I haven’t shared myself with a significant other. To which I often feel slightly defensive about, as I have chosen to not experience the “norm” of dating around in my early twenties. Truth is, I’ve been too afraid to showcase all parts of me and exist in the vulnerability that a healthy relationship requires. My most recent situation was pure bliss, until my fear of not being unconditionally respected and loved came to light.

Years ago, I was told by a very significant man in my life that I am unlovable. I carry this phrase with me daily. I wish I could brush it off with ease, but I’ve found that it’s an inescapable hurt. I share this on paper because I don’t exactly know how to repeat those words verbally. It feels easier to open up with a pen in hand, hence my passion for writing.

You can probably imagine what I looked like on my knit blanket. Sitting criss-cross applesauce, peering up at the sun, and taking some intentional deep breaths. In these moments of serendipity, I am reminded of the peace I’ve spent years longing for. These moments of stillness have become more valuable to me than searching for a romantic connection. These moments have ignited a love in myself that are often satisfied through a love of someone else.

My pain is mine… It’s familiar. Oddly enough, I wouldn’t change a thing about my circumstances. Through unspoken heartache and pain, I’ve learned to “just be” with my own company and have learned to enjoy it. A connection will arrive when it’s desired to. I hope you give yourself permission to love, to share, to explore. You may find that the best and most important connection is with yourself.

You are lovable. I am lovable. How lucky are we!?

All my love, Grace.